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  • Writer's pictureHolly Clayburn

ARC - The Heartbreak Blog

Today I'm going to talk about something personal, and not birth related. Suicide.

You don't understand the damage that this monster does, the grief it creates until your family is hit by it. In today's world, mental disorders are glamorized. Depression is cool, anxiety is the newest accessory, and OCD is assigned to anyone who likes to be organized. Even just a few years ago severe depression wasn't talked about. You were weak, selfish and just dramatic if you were sick. These days depression is getting the attention it needs but people are downplaying the severity of it, and using it for attention. Just because you have a bad day, doesn't mean that you're depressed. Just because you feel anxious once in a while, doesn't mean that you have anxiety. Everyone gets sad sometimes, or a little blue. Everyone experiences feelings of anxiousness, these are normal human emotions, NOT a mental disorder. Real, deep, gut wrenching depression is being written off because they are the people who aren't seeking attention. When you are that depressed, that far gone, that lonely... You don't seek help. You isolate yourself. The people that REALLY need our help aren't getting it because we are babying the ones that don't. Now I'm not saying that those people don't have problems, don't deserve a friend, and don't need help. I'm saying that in your efforts to help, don't overlook the ones who are too sick to ask for it.

January 2nd, 2016 wasn't one of the worst days of my life... It was a great day actually. I was getting things packed and ready to move into our new house. It was a new year, new beginning and it was going to be amazing. January 3rd, 2016 proved me wrong. That was one of the worst days of my life. I had my 2 best friends helping me move the things that were packed up the day before. We were sweeping, loading, unloading and just enjoying a beautiful and warm (Texas) January day. I was standing in my driveway when I got the worst phone call I've ever received. My mother crying on the other end of the line telling me that my cousin, more like my brother, was dead. Suicide. I swear all the oxygen was sucked out of the atmosphere and the world stopped turning right then. My head exploded and I couldn't process what my mother just said. I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry and I couldn't speak. There was no oxygen. There was no reality. Except this was my families reality now. Someone that I was raised with, that I spent my childhood with, that I share the best memories of my life with, had killed himself the night before. You can't imagine the anguish you go through when a loved one takes their own life. There is more anger than you've ever felt, more confusion, more questions. Could Aaron have been saved? What ifs will haunt my family the rest of our days on this Earth. Suicide can't be described as anything other than tragedy and if your family has been victimized then you can agree. I believe that God gave me an amazing gift, and I use it as my profession. Solely because of this gift, I have a Facebook page, a website and a blog. An unlimited, worldwide platform to share a message, and maybe save a life. I didn't wake up today with the intention of writing this, but too many loved ones are lost every single day, and Aaron's story deserves to be told. He was an Army veteran, a dad to a little girl who he raised as his own, a son, a brother, and a damn good friend. He left a mark on every person he ever met, and he will be forever missed. Suicide leaves a hole in your heart that will never be fixed, it's an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that will never stop. It's a preventable tragedy. If you see something, say something. Reach out, be a friend, love your family and save lives. 1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you're struggling, call it. If you see someone struggling, share it. I leave you with this... "When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason you held on so long." ~Unknown

Aaron Ray Carsten

September 28th, 1989 - January 2nd, 2016.

Peace, love, and a heavy heart,

Holly Clayburn.

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